Our Guide, The Calmer Sutra

Our Guide, The Calmer Sutra

We love to make the ‘uncomfortable’ conversations more ‘comfortable’. After all, this is the only true way to remove taboos.

Recently, we surveyed hundreds of you as we wanted to get an idea of the statistics regarding sex lives, and how it changes during peri to post-menopause. Though not surprised by the findings, we think many will agree that this is a subject that should be debated and discussed, not least between couples. This particular survey was aimed at heterosexual couples, and we will, of course (as it’s every bit as important), look at other statistics following a survey amongst the LGBTQ+ community too.

The iconic sex guide The Kama Sutra has been reinvented for menopausal women, our guide The Calmer Sutra highlights the positions that could reduce joint pain and encourage body confidence. We know that sex and menopause can be a recipe for disaster – but for many, it gets better post-menopause, don’t despair. 

Many of the positions in the ancient Indian text require flexibility, athleticism, and body confidence, and can be unappealing or unrealistic for many menopausal women. Hence our guide, The Calmer Sutra.

Sex & Menopause Survey Revealed

Women told us when we conducted an online survey that one-third of them (35%) have suffered joint pain during sex, while half have endured vaginal dryness (56%) and a similar proportion has felt body conscious during love-making (53%). 

Three-quarters said menopause has made sex less pleasurable, with one in six telling us it has become unbearable. A quarter of women (27%) say they have stopped having sex entirely.

Did You Have sex 116 Times A Year Before?

Before menopause, women report during our survey having sex 116 times a year on average — just over twice a week — but this drops to only twice a year during menopause. Let’s face it, some of us would rather be doing the ironing! But it can change, we can get our mojo back. It just takes a bit of work from both parties involved.

The most rewarding positions for menopausal women are those that reduce the strain on joints and minimize the amount of exhibitionism involved on the woman’s part.

The Cutlery Drawer, The Yoga Class, and They’re Off Walking The Dog are the three Calmer Sutra poses most recommended for menopausal women. Read on, to find out more.

Foreplay – Why is it important?

Though not mentioned much in the Calmer Sutra – We all have to get into the mood, and often when we start thinking about having sex with our partners (or not thinking about it) we need some stimulation and inspiration from our partner – so fellas, it’s up to you, but do start with kissing and cuddling. Affection rules ok? And remember don’t just cuddle or kiss a woman when you want to have sex. If she feels that the only time she gets any affection from you is when you want to have sex, you’ve already blown your chances – it will only push her further away.

TOP-TIP: Always use a water-based lubricant if you feel dry, and you can even start to moisturize with vaginal cremes prior to any sex taking place. You can always ask your GP about HRT, there are several options available that will help with vaginal atrophy symptoms.

Keeping a sense of humor

Remember how playful you once were with each other in the beginning? By talking things through and perhaps even giggling together at our Calmer Sutra, we hope that this will at least open-up dialogue and help you both understand what is happening. Keep it light-hearted, have a giggle. You never know this could spark something beautiful! Chances are you have been through some tough times together, and this could be another one. But with the right support and outlook, your love life could get back on track for both of you.

Intimacy – It’s not all about sex you know!

If you stop being intimate with one another, sex will disappear over time. Intimacy is not about sex, it is about sharing and talking. Walking the dog (if you have one, obviously don’t take someones else’s without asking first!) hand in hand, having a laugh, sharing ideas and moments together. Try to look at how you are intimate with one another. Are you? When? If not, take some time to get to know each other again, start dating. Re-evaluate your relationship. Are you still in love, or are you going through the motions?

Life is too short to be unhappy and to stay with someone you no longer love or enjoy being with. Checking how you both feel is natural, and talking things through can only lead to better things, even if it means confronting the uncomfortable.

Often when we go through hormonal changes like menopause, we start to see the world differently too. Our priorities change, and often our relationships do as well.

Here is our list of do’s & don’t’s for the man in your life to follow:

DON’T

• Ever blame a woman for not wanting sex. This is a real no-no and will push her further away.
• Don’t be demanding. She is more likely to want to have sex if she feels you understand her limitations, and that you care and want to protect her.
• Don’t be affectionate only when you feel you want sex. Women often feel that the only time they get cuddled or have any physical attention from their partner is when they want sex. 
• Never pile on the pressure.
• Don’t ever think an affair will help the situation!

DO

• Show intimacy, hold hands, kiss, and cuddle without any sexual intentions. This reignites trust and can rekindle feelings of love for many couples. When you fall in love all over again, generally this leads to sexual desire.
• Make her feel special, and show you want to understand what she is going through. Women often withdraw because they feel no one understands what they are experiencing. You may not know how she feels, but listening to her concerns and showing support leads to trust, which leads to intimacy.
• Show interest in menopause. Read up so she can see you care about what she is going through. Knowledge is power. Make the effort to invest in your relationship.
• Reinforce how much you love her. Tell her more often, and show more affection without sex attached. Compliment the way she looks, help her to feel more confident as confidence is often lost during menopause.
• Think about how she would be treating you if you were going through this.

Just For Fun, Our Guide:

The Calmer Sutra

Top-10 Positions

Recommended For Less Pain & More Pleasure

BOTTOMS UP

For those who are less body-conscious, this could be a great position to be in. Lying on your back, and with him pulling you close and lifting you slightly, yet still looking into the eyes of each other.

Set the scene beforehand – take a hot bath (together if possible) and light some smelly candles in the room. Scent and atmosphere go hand-in-hand with sexual experiences, so go all out to make the evening sensual and intimate.

Why not have a glass of something chilled and fizzy (doesn’t need to be alcoholic if you prefer not to, try alcohol-free. Find it in our shop).

THE CUTLERY DRAWER

Good for close contact and low stress on joints. 

Otherwise known as spooning, but we renamed it The Cutlery Drawer places you as the female in a relaxed position, with no joints being put under strain. Often sex is seen as too much effort after a busy day, but this position lets her feel loved, cuddled, and comforted, which will encourage intimacy and intercourse.

Of course, even if neither of you is in the mood right now – this is still a lovely position to get close, and feel comfortable and loved together. Let him cuddle up to you, and then reverse it (men like to be cuddled too).

MISSIONARY POSSIBLE

Still a favorite and an old classic.

Why? Mainly because it is the most intimate for both of you to look into the eyes of each other. He is generally in charge and does nearly all the work. But it is also good for our hip action. Use some rotation there, and use those muscles. You could even try some pelvic floor exercises whilst you’re at it! Unlikely for orgasm though unless you have already engaged in much foreplay beforehand. This is (or can be) a loving position, for close connections and bonds. Take your time, long and slow wins the race – there is no rush.

INTO THE DEEP

For those adventurous cowgirls out there, this is deeper penetration than perhaps other positions and more likely to bring you to climax. It could be used as a ‘something different’ position if you are used to the more regular kind, like ‘missionary possible’ for example. Sometimes it is worth giving something new ago, and see where it takes you both. Don’t be shy.

It could be fun. If you experience knee pain, cradle them first with some extra duvet or soft cushions to position yourself comfortably. This should not cause hip pain. Often this is a short-term position and you may soon want to move into one of our other recommended moves.

CHEEK TO CHEEK

When bottoms meet – This should not cause you pain (or very limited anyway) as you are lying on your back, but just make sure you are comfortable first, get the pillows or cushions in the right place. He will be doing most of the work, but again this could lead to another position.

The only real downside is that you cannot kiss each other unless you ‘do feet’ soft caressing or stroking of the feet and legs can be sensual for many. Perhaps start this off with foot massages?

You don’t have to stay in one position for too long – try a few, and see which one has the desired effect.

I’M ON TOP

The classic ‘I’m in charge’ position. And why not? This is not for the shy or the body-conscious, but perhaps just go with the moment and don’t worry about how you feel about your body. We all come in varying shapes and sizes and our bodies tell a tale – we should be proud of what we have, so flaunt it!

Do be mindful of your knees though – they can take a pounding in this position, so perhaps just try it for a short while then rollover into another?

THE LEG UP

Kissing and wrapping that leg around him will make you both feel frisky and as you also gaze into the eyes of each other you feel connected in more ways than one.

Bringing your leg up allows for deeper penetration and you can add sensuality to this by massaging or stroking his back, or running your hands through his hair (should he have some).

THE YOGA CLASS

For those women who are feeling braver.

Yes, we are always telling you to take up Yoga, and there are more ways than one! The Yoga Class position has the benefit of stretching the hips, which feels like a short workout (longer if you and your partner are up for it!) Keeping hip joints flexible like this will help reduce inflammation and pain.

Looking into each other’s eyes can reignite a passionate and affectionate connection. He will take the weight of your leg by cradling with one arm, helping to reduce any impact on the knees, which are often affected by menopause.

I’M SURE YOU LEFT IT HERE

Oral sex (and no, oral doesn’t mean talking about it) can feel incredibly pleasurable and has the added benefit of natural lubrication. However, if this is likely to happen, then it is wise not to use the lubricant until after this has happened – you may find you don’t need it anyway!

Some people don’t partake in this act of sexual pleasure – but as they say, don’t knock it until you try it. It could just be this position that finds that sweet spot. It can also be used as part of the foreplay ritual too! Give it a go, after that bath, and a glass of something chilled. Relax and enjoy your evening together where ever it may take you both. This could literally be ‘tongue in cheek’ sorry, couldn’t resist that pun.

THEY’RE OFF WALKING THE DOG

For when your partner is disinterested or absent and you feel frisky.

There is no shame in going it alone. In fact, we recommend it, especially for women who have experienced vaginal pain or dryness. Be sure to use good water-based lubrication. For continued success, use a small amount of vaginal moisturizer daily, which helps keep the vaginal wall moist. Some women tell us it reduces soreness and itchiness and improves suppleness often lost through menopause. Clinical dilators are also useful for keeping the vagina stretched. Good vaginal health is all-important to maintain a good sex life, and take care of health.

PERHAPS GIVE THESE A MISS

THE COLD SHOULDER

Minimizes intimacy as you do not make eye contact, and barely any body connection. 

With most of the work being done by the woman, this will impact joints and is unlikely to spark the desire needed to create vaginal moisture naturally, which happens when partners connect emotionally as well as sexually.

So overall this tends to be just sex, without meaning or intimacy and therefore we don’t recommend it in our top ten. 

Give this one a miss.

OFF TO LAPLAND

This again can create pain in the hips, and if there is pain, the brain (which after all is the largest sexual organ in the body) will not respond as you would like it to. Indeed the brain is very clever and will subconsciously talk you out of painful sexual positions for your own protection. 

This is often the reason why women feel dry down below, as the brain is ultimately responsible for sending messages to the vagina to moisten itself for intercourse!

Definitely not recommended as it’s too much effort for most. But the kissing part is great!

THE HIP BUSTER

Puts a huge strain on the female partner’s hip joints and knees. 

The Hip Buster is not ideal for those who have body confidence issues, which are common during menopause.

This is not of the faint-hearted, and – as any woman knows – this is not the easiest of positions either, relying on work from both sides. 

One saving grace is the ability to kiss each other and look into each other’s eyes. This kind of intimacy stimulates the brain and produces sexual desire. 

And Finally…

We hope, that if nothing else, this blog has given you a giggle, with your partner or your girlfriends? If you are single, you still need to keep that vagina in use! Use it or lose it – that’s what they say! Whatever you are doing, or however you chose to do it, have fun. You will find more information about vaginal atrophy in our training that is free – and if you have any concerns always consult your doctor.